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Morrissey the miniseries – misery in bitesize chunks part nine

morrissey-autobiography

I’m spoiling you today – here’s another part of the Morrissey miniseries for you to devour.  Part Nine:

About the Eternities Between the Many and the Few – Morrissey writes to Johnny Marr and Johnny writes back to Mozzer “with love”.  He comes to visit in his Mercedes and they drive to the moors together for a nice friendly chit chat and then Morrissey RAISES HIS VOICE!  After their nice little day together Morrissey sees Johnny slagging him off in interviews – why could this be?  Ah! Yes, Johnny is trying to save his skin.  Others were not so lucky – manager Nigel Thomas died and video director Tim Broad died.  Nigel Thomas had done a $1M merchandising deal before he died and now Morrissey would have to pay all the money back – even the money Nigel had been paid.  That sucked a big fat one.  The man who wanted the money back was called Handsoff.  Ha! He couldn’t wait to get his hands on Morrissey’s money, could he?  Morrissey wants to sing with Siouxsie for some unknown reason – she says yes but sighs every time she speaks with Morrissey as if he’s annoying or something, the funny thing is: she lives somewhere called Condom; she doesn’t know that The Prettiest Star was on Aladdin Sane; she is like a cross between Kate O’Mara, Myra Hindley and Fenella Fielding.  Siouxsie then announces she wants 100% ownership of the recording – what a witch!  Siouxsie turns up at 18 Regent’s Park Terrace to discuss a video in which she gets to throw stones at Morrissey – what a witch!  To get her back Morrissey sends her off in the wrong direction to get a taxi, ha!  Then Siouxsie gets her own back by giving her own version of the story in her biography, a version which Morrissey is averse to – what a witch!  Morrissey likes Echobelly, uh?!  Mike Joyce (Mister 25 Percent) is still after some money.  Morrissey meets Jake Owen Walters in a restaurant and walks out when Jake’s meal of dead animal arrives.  Jake arrives at 18 Regent’s Park Terrace and stays there for 2 years, answering Morrissey’s telephone.  Jake has the word Battersea tattooed inside his lip – weird or what?  Morrissey poses for a photograph with his head resting on Jake’s exposed belly and apparently that’s not the done thing – you lives, you learns.  Morrissey gets advice from Sinead O’Connor (yes, Sinead O’Connor!!!) on seeing a psychiatrist – Morrissey talks to the psychiatrist about human suffering and the doctor is not right impressed.  Jake is even less impressed and tells Morrissey to SHUT UP!  But they get on like a house on fire for two years, especially for the bit where Morrissey moves into a fried-alive sun-filled house in Delresto Drive and they are literally on fire.  Then Morrissey falls out with Arnold Stiefel over a bowl of frogs’ legs.  Vauxhall & I is number one in the UK.  Morrissey wants to use some clips from the film The Blue Lamp for one of his music videos – the film features Dirk Bogarde and Patric Doonan.  Morrissey likes Patric Doonan but he’s unavailable for approval – he gassed himself at the age of 33 – so Morrissey asks Dirk Bogarde for approval, who initially says yes, then says no, and then he dies.  James Todd wants to manage Morrissey, but tells him that he looks cross-eyed on the cover to Hold On To Your Friends – the man clearly has no idea how to hold on to his friends, or to his life either, yes, he dies too.  Morrissey busts out crying.  He goes for a pint of Tennent’s Extra with Jake and Chrissie Hynde at the British Flag, where Chrissie Hynde bites a dog.  I wonder if the dog had to have a tetanus injection afterwards?  Alan Bennett calls over to Regent’s Park Terrace for tea on a regular basis and one day notices that something is amiss – Morrissey and Jake no longer talk.  So Morrissey moves to Fitzwilliam Place in Dublin but can’t even entice a stray cat to move in with him there (he just ‘eats and goes’) – instead the cat dies.  Morrissey starts recording Southpaw Grammar in March 1995 and Ronnie Kray dies.  Morrissey rattles on about violence and why imprisonment was unfair for the Krays.  Morrissey reveals that Anthony Newley was his pen-friend.  Apparently Reprise tries to ruin Southpaw Grammar’s chances of chart success just because Morrissey won’t renew his contract with them.  Instead Morrissey signs a contract with BMG/RCA and doesn’t get it checked out by the legals, o dear… Morrissey and Marr have sold off the Smiths catalogue.  Morrissey reminisces about making the Suedehead video with Tim Broad in James Dean land and stealing two chairs from the school Dean attended.  James Dean’s cousin Markie lets Morrissey look around the old house until he realises that Morrissey wrote the James Dean is Not Dead [sic] book and then he’s seen off the premises.  Sigh, it’s a hard life being Morrissey!

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About tinynoggin

I love films (anything from exploitation stuff to stylish Eastern European cinema, but I'm not really into blockbusters and modern Hollywood), music (Serge Gainsbourg, Jane Birkin, Michel Polnareff, Left Banke, Francoise Hardy, The Seeds, Love, The Zombies, etc) and books (Kurt Vonnegut, Julian Maclaren-Ross, Michel Houellebecq, Patrick Hamilton, Alan Sillitoe, and more). I take photographs with my Lomography Diana F plus or my Olympus Trip and like making stuff in my spare time.

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