I’ve been taking a break from summarising and taking the piss out of Morrissey’s Autobiography but I simply must get this book read now, so I’m back on it. I’ve got to tell you, it gets much easier to read after the first 100 or so pages. Anyway, here it is, part eight:
The Sun Warms the Skin, but Burns it Sometimes Too: Morrissey is still rattling on about the moors and how he saw a naked ghost on the Wessenden Road. But, spookily, going back to the scene the next day Morrissey and his mates find a discarded and dirty pair of y-pants where the ghost had been – gives you the willies, doesn’t it? Morrissey doesn’t much care for Piccadilly Palare but it gets to number 18 in the charts anyway. Morrissey doesn’t much care for Kill Uncle either and that’s at number 8 in the charts. Seems like there’s a pattern there somewhere, mebbe? Morrissey gets together a gang of North London rockabillies and forms a Morrissey backing band. They tour America and are mobbed by Mozophiles – it’s sheer madness; nobody knows who Tom Hanks is and Morrissey manages to offend Ricki Lee Jones. That’s all in a day’s work, of course, but Morrissey can’t understand why America loves Morrissey, especially when he “conveys all the worst elements of homosexuality and bestiality.” Morrissey tells David Bowie off for eating meat, so Bowie brags about how much sex he’s had and all the drugs and everything. Morrissey does not win a Grammy for Your Arsenal, because no one whispered or something. Morrissey wants David Johansen to open for him at Madison Square Garden, but no one knows where he is; so Morrissey wants Jobriath instead, but he’s unavailable as he’s been dead for 10 years. How inconvenient! Morrissey is going up in the world – he now gets to shit on a toilet as previously soiled by Elvis Presley, but nobody in the UK gets to hear about the level of his success because they would not want to believe it. Sigh! People keep ripping Morrissey’s shirt off – the shows are becoming frenzied and violent to the extent that Morrissey feels like Fabian in 1960. Some nasty journalist has been made the editor of the NME and he has it in for Morrissey – he is officially the enemy (NME, geddit?). People throw pound coins at Morrissey at the Finsbury Park gig and the NME accuse him of being racist. Morrissey is called to a meeting at Warner Records and makes a couple of jokes so the bosses there plump for Alanis Morrissette as their “new star act with a surname beginning with Morriss” instead. Mick Ronson swats a lot of bluebottles; April 1993 Mick Ronson is dead. The deaths are recommencing – three other close friends have died in 1993 too. A girl at one of the Texas shows claims her face was ripped open by a tambourine thrown into the audience by Morrissey – she makes a big song and dance about it but unfortunately she does not die. Morrissey’s pseudonym is Vince Eager. David Bowie does a Mozzer cover version and it would appear that Morrissey is fairly happy about that.
That’s all for now folks, just six more parts to go!